Sunday, June 26, 2005


‘Twas splurschtick, and the crutey bloogs
Did smire and shimple in the glood,
All floozy were the blurbitoons
And the borg clams outclued.

“Beware the Dunderschlock, my son!
The plots that suck, clichés that shock!
Beware the Jarjar Binks, and shun
The mooreanderous Documock!”

He took his clewish stick in hand:
Long time the dooksome show he sought –
‘Til he spied at last the glub marquee
And long he searched the parking lot.

Then, as in grokless awe he sat,
The Dunderschlock, in a giant frame,
Came crundering through the fatulous air
And Hip-Hopped as it came!

One, two! One, two! And threw and threw
The petroleous corn went upper-chuck!
As they rolled the creds they found him dead
Betroped in lersick spluck.

“And, hast thou seen the Dunderschlock?
I warned you, you perstickulous punk!
Kubrickish fate! Alack, alas!”
He croodled in his funk.

‘Twas splurschtick, and the crutey bloogs
Did smire and shimple in the glood,
All floozy were the blurbitoons
And the borg clams outclued.

“It seems very pretty,” Alice said, “but it's rather hard to understand!” (You see she didn't like to confess, even to herself, that she couldn't make it out at all.) “Somehow it seems to fill my head with ideas - only I don't exactly know what they are!”

“Well, there are plenty of hard words there,” Humpty Dumpty said. “Splurschtick means early summer – especially the period from late June through July 4th.”

“But why is it called splurschtick?” Alice asked.

“Well, it comes from the word schtick, which is a cheap stunt that an entertainer uses to attract undeserved attention. A splurschtick is a larger and more elaborate schtick, often involving thousands of people and costing many millions of dollars. They tend to occur at this time of year, hence the name.”

“I see,” Alice said. “And crutey?”

“Well, crutey means ‘cute and cretinous’. You see it's like a portmanteau - there are two meanings packed up into one word.”

“I see it now,” Alice remarked thoughtfully: “and what are bloogs?”

“Don’t they teach you anything in school? A bloog, of course, is an inflated dummy used to simulate copulation. In this context, however, ‘bloogs’ is a figure of speech for two crutey persons who engage in a sham romance for the purposes of splurschtick - a state known as bloogery. Like a marriage, bloogery can result in children … and unfortunately, it often does. Bloogs, however, require a great deal of outside assistance in order to reproduce themselves, especially from publicists.”

“How interesting,” Alice said. “But what are publicists?”

“The word publicist is a contraction of ‘pubic lice’, which sounds very nasty, but they are actually a vital biological component of bloog reproduction. They can even reproduce a single bloog, by a process known as jacko-emulation.”

“Gracious,” Alice mused. “Bloogs must be very curious creatures.”

“They are that,” Humpty Dumpty said. “Also, they make their nests on French beaches, and they live on cheese.”

“And what’s to smire and to shimple?”

“To smire is to go around the Talk Show circuit with a vacuous grin on your face, preferably while wearing overly-casual clothes and an incredibly stupid hat. To shimple is to do queer things in public, hoping that people will take photographs of you.”

“Then a glood must be a French beach, I suppose?” said Alice, surprised at her own ingenuity.

“No, the glood is the ninety-five percent of your brain that is used for absolutely nothing. The glood is the natural habitat of the bloog. Floozy means ‘foolish and sleazy’ – there’s another portmanteau for you. A blurbitoon is a shabby-looking bird with its feathers sticking out all round. Blurbitoons can be taught to repeat phrases, like parrots, but instead of ‘Polly wants a cracker’, the blurbitoon says things like ‘The feel-good movie of the summer! Incredible! Fantastic!’ and so on. In the entertainment business, blurbitoons are called ‘Quote Whores’ and are highly prized animals in spite of their unpleasant appearance.”

“And borg clams?” said Alice. “I'm afraid I'm giving you a great deal of trouble.”

“Well, a clam is a piece of empty luggage that one can stuff almost anything into – rocks, hammers, sand, and such things. But CLAM is also the term for a type of personality discovered by the author and humanitarian L. Ron Hubbard: an acronym for ‘Cute, Loaded, and Moronic’. Borg I’m not sure about. It may be a portmanteau for ‘boring but well-organized’. Or it may be a contraction of Beach Organization, which is where CLAMs wash up when they get thrown overboard by the Sea Organization.”

“I see,” Alice said politely (though she didn’t, quite). “And what does outclued mean?”

Outclue means to remove dead alien tissue from your brain, by means of an electrical appliance. If you’re not a bloog, you don’t need to worry about it – and lucky for you, because it’s very expensive. The other words in the poem are not so difficult: for example, mooreanderous. To mooreander is to wander about in an insolent and self-important manner, preferably while wearing overly-casual clothes and an incredibly stupid hat. Dunderschlock is generally a recycled television show with expensive bloogs and a rap trailer, which perstickulous people go to see even though they know better …”

“That seems a great deal for one word to mean,” Alice protested. “I’m not sure all those words mean what you say they do.”

“When I use a word, it means what I want it to mean – nothing more, nothing less.”

Friday, June 24, 2005

Deep Inside Hillary Clinton

[New York City, Madison Square Garden, October 2001. Enter HILLARY CLINTON.]

Well, here I am, about to make an exciting unannounced appearance at the concert to honor our racist ... I mean, our heroic police and firefighters and firepersons!

Won't this be a wonderful treat for everybody? HEY! GET OUT OF MY WAY, YOU LITTLE #&%$! DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? Cripes, there are a lot of Jews in this city ... never noticed that before ...

Let's see, let's see - YOU! Yes, you, I'm TAAAALKING TO YOU ... Come here!

I want to introduce Woody Allen. Excuse me? Well, then I guess we'll just have to do it over, won't we? Do you know who you're talking to, Missy? If my husband hadn't pardoned that crack dealer, your kid wouldn't have a father, you little slut. So don't stick your lip out at me. All right, forget it, nobody's going to hear the stupid &%$#ing movie anyway, because they'll still be applauding me. Did any other rich Jews make movies that I can introduce? They promised me a rich Jew, not some Hip-Hop deadbeat.

Jerry? Jerry who? Okay, okay, I got it. [Waits]

C'mon, c'mon, c'mon ... my turn, my turn, my turn ... EXCUSE ME, ASSHEAD, I THINK IT'S MY TURN NEXT? THANK YOU. Stupid @#$%.

My turn, my turn! Here I go! Everybody is going to be so thrilled! [KLOMP KLOMP KLOMP KLOMP KLOMP]


AL SHARPTON: Look everybody, it's Hillary! Yay!


????? What's happening? Where's my love? Where are the hysterical howls of mindless adoration? PAN IN ON MY FACE, YOU STUPID %$#ING PEON, THEY DON'T RECOGNIZE ME! LOOK EVERYBODY, IT'S ME!


?????? Room is spinning ... they're starting the Jew movie ... must move, must do something ... Have to get out, OUT --------

[Backstage] What's happening? Has the whole world gone INSANE? Sniff ... everybody loves me ... Okay, no they don't, everybody HATES me. Okay, okay, fine! Fine! Everybody in the whole &%$#ing world hates me because I'm a strong female role model and everybody else is a #$%@ and they all &%$#ing hate me. Fine! Sob .... WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, YOU &%$#ING WHORE? I HOPE ONE OF THOSE PUERTO RICAN TERRORISTS KNOCKS UP YOUR NINE YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER, YOU STUPID $%#ING FREAK!

?????? Spider sense is tingling .... AAAAIIIIIGH! The Vast Right Wing Arkansas Bait Shop Conspiracy! They've struck again! They're using orbital mind control lasers to make people hate me ... how did they know I'd be here? That stupid %$#ing doctor swore up and down that there was no microchip in my butt, but of course he's working for THEM. Everybody works for them, EVERYBODY, and they all hate me, ‘cause I'm so good and they're all jealous and they all suck!

Ack, blech! [Spits] Mascara running down into my mouth now ... sniff ... Oh, if somebody doesn't suck up to me this very instant I'm just going to die, and then they'll all be sorry! Must call Chuck Schumer ... must call Chuck Schumer [beep beep bip bop beep bip bip beep] Hello, Chuck? BAWHAWHAW! I hate every stupid fireman in the whole stupid world and the whole stupid world hates me ... and, sniff, and ---- shut the &%$# up when I'm talking, Chuck, you %$#@, who the &%$# do you think you are? Everybody hates me, and I only came here as a favor to them, to give them all a nice treat! BAWHAWHAW!

Hang on, Chuck, I'm putting you on hold.


Sniff ... Hello, Chuck? How much money does Jerry Seinfeld have?

[Originally posted to USENET, 2001]


SOCRATES: Well, at least Glen didn't invite himself to the Critical Perspectives symposium on his own play. That's about the best thing I can think to say about him at the moment.

ARISTOTLE: That play certainly was ... interesting.

ARISTOPHANES: What, are you kidding? I thought it was $@#ing great.

ARISTOTLE: I suppose this is an example of the "minimalist" art that all the young people are always going on about, having only two speaking characters and a chorus. In fact, if not for the chorus, it would hardly resemble a Greek tragedy at all. I'm not convinced that such a brief work can hope to achieve the catharsis that a true dramatist strives for.

ARISTOPHANES: I agree, it was too short. I wish it'd gone on for, like, six or seven acts.

SOCRATES: But what about the catharsis?

ARISTOPHANES: I didn't miss that at all. I don't even know what the %$#@ that is, and neither do you.

ARISTOTLE: The title character, I believe, is modeled after Medea.

SOCRATES: Really? I thought she was meant to represent Clytemnestra.

ARISTOPHANES: No, Mr. Pink from Reservoir Dogs.

ARISTOTLE: There you go.

SOCRATES: Oh, yeah ... now I get it.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Meet the Freedom Experts

The Circus McGurkus! The cream of the cream!
The Circus McGurkus! The Circus Supreme!
The Circus McGurkus! Colossal! Stupendous!
Astounding! Fantastic! Terrific! Tremendous!
I'll bring in my acrobats, jugglers and clowns
From a thousand and thirty-three faraway towns
To the place where you'll see 'em in, ladies and gents,
Right behind Sneelock's Store, in the Great McGurk tents!

But that's just my Side Show. A start. A beginning.
This way to the Big Tent! You'll find your head spinning.
Why, ladies and gentlemen, youngsters and oldsters,
Your heads will quite likely spin right off your shouldsters!

Dr. Seuss, If I Ran the Circus

Families of 9/11 victims are protesting the inclusion of the International Freedom Center as the gateway to the World Trade Center Memorial (information here and here).

The IFC tells us: "The International Freedom Center will be a world-class place of education and engagement, helping people to understand, appreciate and advance freedom’s narrative of hope. The Center will be an integral part of humanity’s response to September 11, rising from the allowed ground of the World Trade Center site, and serving as the gateway and complement to the World Trade Center Memorial ... the International Freedom Center has reached out to an extraordinary roster of scholars, educators, museum directors, and cultural leaders who provided their input and expertise."

Promising a "narrative of hope" lets us know right at the start that we are in Postmodern Country, not the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave. Here's the "extraordinary roster" of folks who will give us the dope - education, engagement, and narratives of hope!

Alex Boraine, Founder and President of the International Center for Transitional Justice. Boraine is a former advisor to Archbishop Desmond Tutu, the man who once told us that we could all "go to Hell" and take our nasty country with us - but let's let bygones be bygones. The ICTJ is not an institution particularly devoted to "Freedom", it's devoted to "Social and Economic Equity", which tends to be a different kind of thing. They are also on the prowl for "reparations" - for more information on reparations and where you can send a check, see the booth at the ICTJ exhibit. Boraine is also a creature of George Soros, having been on the board of Soros' "Open Society Project".

Nicholas Gage, Investigative reporter and former Athens bureau chief for The New York Times.

Saad Eddin Ibrahim, Professor, American University in Cairo and Chairman of the Ibn Khaldun Center for Development Studies. Ibrahim spent a year in an Egyptian prison and has spoken favorably about the spread of freedom and democracy in the Middle East, so this is probably the pick of the litter so far.

Martin Palous, Ambassador of the Czech Republic to the United States.

Michael Posner, Executive Director of Human Rights First (formerly the Lawyers Committee for Human Rights). The board of that organization also includes Sigourney Weaver, but Michael Posner is the best they could spare for IFC duties. Human Rights First is part of the lynch mob over alleged Gitmo abuses, and God forbid we should have a "narrative of hope" that doesn't trumpet Koran desecrations by American Gulagers.

Ambassador Hector Timerman, Consul General of Argentina to New York. Timerman does not appear to be among those Argentines who hate the United States, having dared even to compliment Bush's free market policies, so we can hope.

Xu Wenli, visiting senior fellow at Brown University's Watson Institute of International Studies, and exiled founder of the Chinese Democratic Party.

Fareed Zakaria, Editor of Newsweek International. Let's hope the IFC has riot insurance. Zakaria's view of the War on Terror: "Since 9/11, a handful of officials at the top of the Defense Department and the vice president's office have commandeered American foreign and defense policy. In the name of fighting terror they have systematically weakened the traditional restraints that have made this country respected around the world. " [From "The Price of Arrogance", Newsweek, May 9 2004]

Rebecca Adamson, Founder and President of First Nations Development Institute, and founder of First Peoples Worldwide. Adamson certainly exemplifies one version of the American Dream of Freedom: Her bio states that in 1980, she cashed her unemployment check and traveled to New York, where she scored a $25,000 grant from the Ford Foundation to fund her work as a "Cherokee activist". The rest is history, or least Adamson's version of history. (More information on this at the First Peoples booth, next to the Wounded Knee exhibit - where you can probably get a CUSTER DIED FOR YOUR SINS t-shirt.) Adamson has a sideline in soft-core moral equivalence, recently stating: "Though it would take a foul turn of mind to compare Bush himself with the bloody-handed, butchery-minded Hussein, the fact is that he too now stands condemned. And in much of the world's eyes, America stands with him, condemned." Condemned, condemned, condemned.

Anthony Appiah, University Professor of Philosophy at Princeton University, and Professor in the University Center for Human Values. Also known as Kwame Anthony Appiah. His qualifications as an expert in Freedom? It's either his admiration for Edward Said, or his relentless Bush-bashing. You be the judge.

Jean Harvey Baker, Professor of History at Goucher College in Baltimore, Maryland. Wrote a book trashing President James Buchanan, which might come in handy somehow.

David Herbert Donald, Charles Warren Professor of History, Emeritus at Harvard University.

Eric Foner, DeWitt Clinton Professor of History at Columbia University. Now we're getting mad. Never mind that Foner's idea of freedom comes from the Cuba-loving Left. Never mind that Foner participated in the infamous Columbia rally which called for "a million Mogadishus". What really makes us mad is that the man who wrote "I’m not sure which is more frightening: the horror that engulfed New York City or the apocalyptic rhetoric emanating daily from the White House," is now tossing his two cents into a WTC memorial.

David Hackett Fischer, Professor at Brandeis University and author of Liberty & Freedom.

Henry Louis Gates, Jr., W.E.B. DuBois Professor of the Humanities at Harvard University, and Chair of the African and African-American Studies Departments. Time Magazine once said, "Combine the braininess of the legendary black scholar W.E.B. DuBois and the chutzpah of P.T. Barnum, and the result is Henry Louis Gates, Jr." This P.T. Barnum stuff impressed them so much, AOL Time Warner purchased the professor's website, They dressed it up with "Boondocks" comics and Stevie Wonder news.

Walter Isaacson, CEO of the Aspen Institute. The Aspen Institute, of course, is where people like Henry Louis Gates, Madelaine Albright, and Michael Eisner sit around and figger-out all the world's problems. They also soak up a lot of money from Boeing and Goldman Sachs execs, but what the hell, it's a free country.

Kenneth Jackson, President of the New-York Historical Society and the Jacques Barzun Professor of History and Social Sciences at Columbia University.

Bob Kerrey, President of New School University in New York City and former Governor of and Senator from Nebraska. Advisor to the My Lai exhibit?

Thomas Kessner, Professor of History at The City University of New York.

Pauline Maier, William R. Kenan, Jr. Professor of American History at MIT. Maier teachs a course in "Riots, Strikes, and Conspiracies in American History", which might come in handy.

John Raisian, Director and Senior Fellow of the Hoover Institution.

Anthony Romero, Executive Director of the ACLU. We'd almost forgotten that the ACLU was concerned about Freedom, especially the freedom of the kind of people who blew up the WTC.

John Edward Sexton, President of New York University.

Anne-Marie Slaughter, Dean of the Woodrow Wilson School at Princeton University. Professor Slaughter represented the freedom-loving Sandinistas in Nicaragua vs. US, World Kangaroo Court, 1984.

Theodore Sorensen, Policy adviser, legal counsel, and speechwriter for President John F. Kennedy. I didn't know Sorensen was still alive. Still walking around free, too.

Margot Stern Strom, Executive Director and President, Facing History and Ourselves. This organization is the answer to the question: "What do you get when you combine the Holocaust, 9/11, diversity training, multi-culti loopiness, and millions of George Soros' dollars?"

For an extraordinary roster of Freedom Fighters, sure seems like a lot of the same old stuff.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

William Schultz is a Festering Sack of Diseased Pus

SOCRATES: First of all, I have to object to the title of this dialogue.

GLEN: Objection noted and overruled.

SOCRATES: But it lowers the tone of our dialogues, and is inexcusably personal. After all, what if the man were really sick?

GLEN: He is really sick.

SOCRATES: Physically sick, I mean. Wouldn’t you feel bad?

ARISTOPHANES: Obviously if Schultz were sick, Schultz would feel bad, not Glen. What do you teach those idiot students of yours, Logic or Physic? They’re getting ripped off either way.

SOCRATES: My point is … Okay, granted, this is a dialogue about Rhetorical Excess. Which would make a good title, “Against Rhetorical Excess”, or something like that.

ARISTOPHANES: Hah! I can’t wait to hear the man who taught Hyperbolus himself lecture “Against Rhetorical Excess”! Then we could title it “Socrates is a Hypocritical Lard Ass.” And subtitle it “A Dialogue on Tactful Understatement.”

SOCRATES: Hyperbolus was not a student of mine, you’re making that up. Why don’t we call it “Written on a Toilet Stall” and pretend it’s one of your plays?

ARISTOPHANES: Oh, that really hurts, coming from somebody who almost choked to death on a meatball sandwich during the South Park marathon.

GLEN: Getting back to what we were talking about … We all saw William Schultz on television today, defending Amnesty International’s comparison of Guantanamo to a gulag, and their comparison of George Bush to Pinochet and the Ayatollah Khomeini. He called them “analogous analogies.”

SOCRATES: A phrase which I found very interesting.

ARISTOPHANES: Not as interesting as the ten-pound bag of Cheetos you were eating.

SOCRATES: A formal analogy is the comparison of two pairs of things which have an equivalent relationship, for example: “Aristophanes is to Art as a Fruit Bat is to Guano”. So all analogies are analogous to one another, and Shultz’s phrase would appear to be a redundancy.

GLEN: No, that’s wrong.

ARISTOPHANES: You tell him, Glen. You don’t even know what the hell you’re talking about, Socrates.

GLEN: Half of an analogy is not an analogy. Half of an analogy is completely meaningless. It’s ridiculous to say that “all analogies are analogous” just because one half of an analogy is analogous to the other half --- I mean, that’s the whole point. Otherwise it wouldn’t be an analogy.

SOCRATES: I know. That’s what I said. It’s a redundancy.

GLEN: No, you said “all analogies are analogous.”

ARISTOPHANES: We all heard you say it, Socrates. Quit trying to Schultz your way out of it.

SOCRATES: Whatever. Anyway, comparing Bush to Pinochet is not a formal analogy. It’s an informal analogy.

ARISTOPHANES: Way to change the subject. Why don’t you just admit that you’re talking out of your ass, like you always do?

<............>Chaerophon asked of Socrates:
<............>“Do flies buzz with their mouths, or with their anus-es?”
<............>Socrates replied to Chaerophon
<............>With a perfect rendition of the fly’s buzzing tone.

There’s an analogy for you.

SOCRATES: That’s not an analogy, meathead. And thank you for raising the scatological content of this dialogue even further.

ARISTOPHANES: I guess if I could afford to go to your snooty school, I’d learn the difference between an analogy and a scatology.

GLEN: Well, this is a dialogue about Schultz, so maybe scatological content is appropriate.

ARISTOPHANES: There, you see, Socrates? This is a dialogue about Schultz. Not everything is about you, you know.

Thursday, June 02, 2005

The Least Dangerous Books of All Time

Everybody is upset over this list of dangerous books. I, too, am upset over the omission of The Handbook of Chemistry and Physics. I dropped that fifty-pound tome on my crotch once and I assure you it is as dangerous as they come.

Here is a list of books that can do no harm to anybody, because none of them exist:

AL AZIF by Abdul Al-Hazred. [“Al Azif being the word used by the Arabs to designate that nocturnal sound (made by insects) supposed to be the howling of demons.”] Written in Sanaa, Yemen, circa 700 AD. Known also as The Necronomicon, in its three translations from the original Arabic: the Greek translation by Theodorus Philetas of Constantinople (950), the Latin translation by the Dominican Olaus Wormius (1228), and the English translation by Elizabethan sorcerer Dr. John Dee (16th Century). Pope Gregory IX banned The Necronomicon in 1232, after the Wormius translation “popularized” it. Most famous quote from the book: “That is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange aeons even death may die.” [H.P. Lovecraft].

L'APPARITION DE SAINCTE GERTRUDE À UNE NONAIN DE POISSY ESTANT EN MAL D'ENFANT (“The Apparition of Saint Gertrude to a Nun of Poissy, During a Difficult Childbirth”) From the collection of blasphemous books at the Abbey of Saint Victor, in Rabelais’ Pantagruel.

THE APPROACH TO AL-MU'TASIM by Mir Bahadur Ali. (1932) One of many nonexistent books “reviewed” by Jorge Luis Borges. By the same author: The Conversation with the Man Called Al-Mu'tasim.

ARS HONESTE FARTANDI IN SOCIETATE by Marcus Ortuinum. The art of passing gas in public, from the library of the Abbey of Saint Victor (Rabelais, Pantagruel).

A CLOCKWORK ORANGE by F. Alexander. The imaginary book from which Anthony Burgess’ actual book takes its title. Alex and his droogs beat the author half to death, and he has it coming: “The attempt to impose upon man, a creature of growth and capable of sweetness, to ooze juicily at the last round the bearded lips of God, to attempt to impose, I say, laws and conditions appropriate to a mechanical creation, against this I raise my sword-pen …”

CLOTHES: THEIR ORIGIN AND INFLUENCE by Diogenes Teufelsdröckh. Imaginary work of Transcendental philosophy, extensively discussed by Thomas Carlyle in Sartor Resartus.

THE CURIOUS EXPERIENCE OF THE PATERSON FAMILY ON THE ISLAND OF UFFA by John H. Watson, MD (late of the British Army Medical Department). Imaginary account of a Sherlock Holmes adventure, mentioned by Conan Doyle in The Five Orange Pips.

DREAMS DON'T MEAN ANYTHING by Richard Tull. Self-explanatory book created by Martin Amis in The Information.

THE DYNAMICS OF AN ASTEROID by Professor James Moriarty. The mathematician and Napoleon of Crime also wrote (or rather, didn’t write) an influential book on the binomial theorem.


MY FRIENDS THE NEWTS by Loretta Peabody. (P.G. Wodehouse)

THE GRASSHOPPER LIES HEAVY by Hawthorne Abendsen. An alternate history novel in which the Allies win World War II, written in an alternate history in which the Allies lost. From Phillip K. Dick’s alternate history The Man in the High Castle.

HANSARD’S GUIDE TO REFRESHING SLEEP, in 19 volumes. By somebody named Hansard, obviously. The 19 false book spines covered up some woodwork in Charles Dickens’ library.

THE KING IN YELLOW, Anonymous. A mysterious two-act play (banned and confiscated in France in 1920) that features in the stories of Robert W. Chambers. “I pray God will curse the writer, as the writer has cursed the world with this beautiful, stupendous creation, terrible in its simplicity, irresistible in its truth -- a world which now trembles before the King in Yellow.”

LESBARE UND LESENSWERTHE BEMERKUNGEN ÜBER DAS LAND UKKBAR IN KLEIN-ASIEN by Johann Valentin Andreä. This imaginary book was created by Jorge Luis Borges. The author was a real person, the Rosicrucian author of Chymische Hochzeit Christiani Rosencreutz (“The Chemical Wedding of Christian Rosenkreutz.”)

THE LORD OF THE SWASTIKA by Adolf Hitler. (1953) Science fiction book written by Adolf Hitler, in Norman Spinrad’s alternate history The Iron Dream. Banned in Germany (Spinrad’s book, not Hitler’s). Also by Adolf Hitler: The Builders of Mars, Savior from Space, and The Twilight of Terra.

MAD TRIST by Sir Lancelot Canning. An account of dragon-slaying by a knight named Ethelred, found in the Usher library in Edgar Allen Poe’s Fall of the the House of Usher.

MARVELLS OF SCIENCE by Morryster. Imaginary book that is mentioned by H.P. Lovecraft, but created by Ambrose Bierce in The Man and the Snake.

MEMOIRS by the Honorable Galahad Threepwood. Autobiography by the brother of Clarence Threepwood, Lord Emsworth. Created by P.G. Wodehouse.

MONOGRAPH ON POLYPHONIC MOTETS OF LASSUS by Sherlock Holmes. The abso-freaking-lutely last word on the subject. Orlando de Lassus was a 16th Century Catholic composer of masses, hymns, and (of course) motets.

NYMPHS AND THEIR WAYS, Anonymous. Book found on a shelf by the children in C.S. Lewis’ The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, which sounds like it’s not for children.

OLD WORDS AND NAMES IN THE SHIRE by Meriadoc Brandybuck.

PLETHORA: LOST VERSE 1942-2002, by William Coraxe. (London, Oxford University Press, 2002) Imaginary book created by Ronald Flanagan, the winner of an Imaginary Book Review Contest put on by The Modern Word (


THE PNAKOTIC MANUSCRIPTS, by anonymous alien monsters. In H.P. Lovecraft, a history of the Great Race of Yith (you don’t even want to know) written by themselves.


THE PROUSTIAN THEME IN A LETTER FROM KEATS TO BENJAMIN BAILEY by Humbert Humbert. From Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita. Lolita is boring as hell, but this imaginary book sounds pretty good.

THE SEVEN MINUTES by J.J. Jadway. (Paris, Etoile Press, 171 pages) The most banned book in history, The Seven Minutes purports to describe what women think about during sex. Created by Irving Wallace in the novel of the same name.

THE SEVENTH TRUMPET by some guy I don't remember. This is the title of a book written by a character in a play I wrote once. I don't remember what The Seventh Trumpet was supposed to be about, but it sucked. My play sucked, too.

SOME OBSERVATIONS UPON A SERIES OF KALMUK SKULLS by George Edward Challenger. From Arthur Conan Doyle’s The Lost World.

TELEMACHUS SNEEZED by Atlanta Hope. A not-so-subtle parody of Atlas Shrugged, in The Illuminatus! Trilogy by Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson. In Homer’s Odyssey (a real book) Telemachus actually does sneeze.

THAUMATURGICAL PRODIGIES IN THE NEW-ENGLISH CANAAN (1794) by the Reverend Ward Phillips, Head Librarian of Miskatonic University, Arkham, Massachusetts. Being an imaginary book, it was not as popular as Cotton Mather’s Wonders of the Invisible World.

THE THEORY AND PRACTICE OF OLIGARCHICAL COLLECTIVISM by Emmanuel Goldstein - the Goldstein created by George Orwell in 1984. “…a terrible book, a compendium of all the heresies, of which Goldstein was the author and which circulated clandestinely here and there.”

UNAUSSPRECHLICHEN KULTEN (“Unspeakable Cults”) by Friedrich von Junzt. Book of unspeakable stuff frequently mentioned by H.P. Lovecraft, but created by Robert E. Howard. Apparently written in very bad German.

UNDER THE HOOD by Hollis Mason. Autobiography of the masked crimefighter Nite Owl, full of trashy gossip and absurd self-rationalizations. From Alan Moore’s graphic novel The Watchmen.


DE VERMIIS MYSTERIIS (“Mysteries of the Worm”) by Ludvig Prinn. Imaginary Latin grimoire associated with H.P. Lovecraft, but actually created by Robert Bloch.

THE WORM OF MIDNIGHT by Edgar Allen Poe. Also created by Robert Bloch, in The Man Who Collected Poe.