Deep Inside Hillary Clinton
[New York City, Madison Square Garden, October 2001. Enter HILLARY CLINTON.]
Well, here I am, about to make an exciting unannounced appearance at the concert to honor our racist ... I mean, our heroic police and firefighters and firepersons!
Won't this be a wonderful treat for everybody? HEY! GET OUT OF MY WAY, YOU LITTLE #&%$! DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? Cripes, there are a lot of Jews in this city ... never noticed that before ...
Let's see, let's see - YOU! Yes, you, I'm TAAAALKING TO YOU ... Come here!
I want to introduce Woody Allen. Excuse me? Well, then I guess we'll just have to do it over, won't we? Do you know who you're talking to, Missy? If my husband hadn't pardoned that crack dealer, your kid wouldn't have a father, you little slut. So don't stick your lip out at me. All right, forget it, nobody's going to hear the stupid &%$#ing movie anyway, because they'll still be applauding me. Did any other rich Jews make movies that I can introduce? They promised me a rich Jew, not some Hip-Hop deadbeat.
Jerry? Jerry who? Okay, okay, I got it. [Waits]
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon ... my turn, my turn, my turn ... EXCUSE ME, ASSHEAD, I THINK IT'S MY TURN NEXT? THANK YOU. Stupid @#$%.
My turn, my turn! Here I go! Everybody is going to be so thrilled! [KLOMP KLOMP KLOMP KLOMP KLOMP]
HELLO, NEW YORK! IT'S MEEEEEEEEE, YOUR BELOVED HILLAREEEEEE!!! ISN'T THIS A WONDERFUL SURPRISE? DON'T YOU ALL JUST LOVE ME TO PIECES? COULDN'T YOU JUST EAT ME WITH A SPOON?
AL SHARPTON: Look everybody, it's Hillary! Yay!
EVERYBODY ELSE: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
????? What's happening? Where's my love? Where are the hysterical howls of mindless adoration? PAN IN ON MY FACE, YOU STUPID %$#ING PEON, THEY DON'T RECOGNIZE ME! LOOK EVERYBODY, IT'S ME!
EVERYBODY: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
?????? Room is spinning ... they're starting the Jew movie ... must move, must do something ... Have to get out, OUT --------
[Backstage] What's happening? Has the whole world gone INSANE? Sniff ... everybody loves me ... Okay, no they don't, everybody HATES me. Okay, okay, fine! Fine! Everybody in the whole &%$#ing world hates me because I'm a strong female role model and everybody else is a #$%@ and they all &%$#ing hate me. Fine! Sob .... WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, YOU &%$#ING WHORE? I HOPE ONE OF THOSE PUERTO RICAN TERRORISTS KNOCKS UP YOUR NINE YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER, YOU STUPID $%#ING FREAK!
?????? Spider sense is tingling .... AAAAIIIIIGH! The Vast Right Wing Arkansas Bait Shop Conspiracy! They've struck again! They're using orbital mind control lasers to make people hate me ... how did they know I'd be here? That stupid %$#ing doctor swore up and down that there was no microchip in my butt, but of course he's working for THEM. Everybody works for them, EVERYBODY, and they all hate me, ‘cause I'm so good and they're all jealous and they all suck!
Ack, blech! [Spits] Mascara running down into my mouth now ... sniff ... Oh, if somebody doesn't suck up to me this very instant I'm just going to die, and then they'll all be sorry! Must call Chuck Schumer ... must call Chuck Schumer [beep beep bip bop beep bip bip beep] Hello, Chuck? BAWHAWHAW! I hate every stupid fireman in the whole stupid world and the whole stupid world hates me ... and, sniff, and ---- shut the &%$# up when I'm talking, Chuck, you %$#@, who the &%$# do you think you are? Everybody hates me, and I only came here as a favor to them, to give them all a nice treat! BAWHAWHAW!
Hang on, Chuck, I'm putting you on hold.
HEY, YOU! YEAH, YOU, YOU GOOFY LITTLE SKANK! WHY AREN'T THEY BOOING BILL OFF THE STAGE TOO? WHY DID I GET MORE BOOS THAN THAT SON OF A $#%$? WHY DON'T YOU JUST GET THAT LITTLE JEW SLUT TO GO OUT THERE AND SUCK HIS %$#@ IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY AND SEE IF I CARE, BECAUSE I HATE YOU ALL!
Sniff ... Hello, Chuck? How much money does Jerry Seinfeld have?
[Originally posted to USENET, 2001]
CRITICAL PERSPECTIVES ON "DEEP INSIDE HILLARY CLINTON"
SOCRATES: Well, at least Glen didn't invite himself to the Critical Perspectives symposium on his own play. That's about the best thing I can think to say about him at the moment.
ARISTOTLE: That play certainly was ... interesting.
ARISTOPHANES: What, are you kidding? I thought it was $@#ing great.
ARISTOTLE: I suppose this is an example of the "minimalist" art that all the young people are always going on about, having only two speaking characters and a chorus. In fact, if not for the chorus, it would hardly resemble a Greek tragedy at all. I'm not convinced that such a brief work can hope to achieve the catharsis that a true dramatist strives for.
ARISTOPHANES: I agree, it was too short. I wish it'd gone on for, like, six or seven acts.
SOCRATES: But what about the catharsis?
ARISTOPHANES: I didn't miss that at all. I don't even know what the %$#@ that is, and neither do you.
ARISTOTLE: The title character, I believe, is modeled after Medea.
SOCRATES: Really? I thought she was meant to represent Clytemnestra.
ARISTOPHANES: No, Mr. Pink from Reservoir Dogs.
ARISTOTLE: There you go.
SOCRATES: Oh, yeah ... now I get it.
Well, here I am, about to make an exciting unannounced appearance at the concert to honor our racist ... I mean, our heroic police and firefighters and firepersons!
Won't this be a wonderful treat for everybody? HEY! GET OUT OF MY WAY, YOU LITTLE #&%$! DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM? Cripes, there are a lot of Jews in this city ... never noticed that before ...
Let's see, let's see - YOU! Yes, you, I'm TAAAALKING TO YOU ... Come here!
I want to introduce Woody Allen. Excuse me? Well, then I guess we'll just have to do it over, won't we? Do you know who you're talking to, Missy? If my husband hadn't pardoned that crack dealer, your kid wouldn't have a father, you little slut. So don't stick your lip out at me. All right, forget it, nobody's going to hear the stupid &%$#ing movie anyway, because they'll still be applauding me. Did any other rich Jews make movies that I can introduce? They promised me a rich Jew, not some Hip-Hop deadbeat.
Jerry? Jerry who? Okay, okay, I got it. [Waits]
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon ... my turn, my turn, my turn ... EXCUSE ME, ASSHEAD, I THINK IT'S MY TURN NEXT? THANK YOU. Stupid @#$%.
My turn, my turn! Here I go! Everybody is going to be so thrilled! [KLOMP KLOMP KLOMP KLOMP KLOMP]
HELLO, NEW YORK! IT'S MEEEEEEEEE, YOUR BELOVED HILLAREEEEEE!!! ISN'T THIS A WONDERFUL SURPRISE? DON'T YOU ALL JUST LOVE ME TO PIECES? COULDN'T YOU JUST EAT ME WITH A SPOON?
AL SHARPTON: Look everybody, it's Hillary! Yay!
EVERYBODY ELSE: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
????? What's happening? Where's my love? Where are the hysterical howls of mindless adoration? PAN IN ON MY FACE, YOU STUPID %$#ING PEON, THEY DON'T RECOGNIZE ME! LOOK EVERYBODY, IT'S ME!
EVERYBODY: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
?????? Room is spinning ... they're starting the Jew movie ... must move, must do something ... Have to get out, OUT --------
[Backstage] What's happening? Has the whole world gone INSANE? Sniff ... everybody loves me ... Okay, no they don't, everybody HATES me. Okay, okay, fine! Fine! Everybody in the whole &%$#ing world hates me because I'm a strong female role model and everybody else is a #$%@ and they all &%$#ing hate me. Fine! Sob .... WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT, YOU &%$#ING WHORE? I HOPE ONE OF THOSE PUERTO RICAN TERRORISTS KNOCKS UP YOUR NINE YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER, YOU STUPID $%#ING FREAK!
?????? Spider sense is tingling .... AAAAIIIIIGH! The Vast Right Wing Arkansas Bait Shop Conspiracy! They've struck again! They're using orbital mind control lasers to make people hate me ... how did they know I'd be here? That stupid %$#ing doctor swore up and down that there was no microchip in my butt, but of course he's working for THEM. Everybody works for them, EVERYBODY, and they all hate me, ‘cause I'm so good and they're all jealous and they all suck!
Ack, blech! [Spits] Mascara running down into my mouth now ... sniff ... Oh, if somebody doesn't suck up to me this very instant I'm just going to die, and then they'll all be sorry! Must call Chuck Schumer ... must call Chuck Schumer [beep beep bip bop beep bip bip beep] Hello, Chuck? BAWHAWHAW! I hate every stupid fireman in the whole stupid world and the whole stupid world hates me ... and, sniff, and ---- shut the &%$# up when I'm talking, Chuck, you %$#@, who the &%$# do you think you are? Everybody hates me, and I only came here as a favor to them, to give them all a nice treat! BAWHAWHAW!
Hang on, Chuck, I'm putting you on hold.
HEY, YOU! YEAH, YOU, YOU GOOFY LITTLE SKANK! WHY AREN'T THEY BOOING BILL OFF THE STAGE TOO? WHY DID I GET MORE BOOS THAN THAT SON OF A $#%$? WHY DON'T YOU JUST GET THAT LITTLE JEW SLUT TO GO OUT THERE AND SUCK HIS %$#@ IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY AND SEE IF I CARE, BECAUSE I HATE YOU ALL!
Sniff ... Hello, Chuck? How much money does Jerry Seinfeld have?
[Originally posted to USENET, 2001]
CRITICAL PERSPECTIVES ON "DEEP INSIDE HILLARY CLINTON"
SOCRATES: Well, at least Glen didn't invite himself to the Critical Perspectives symposium on his own play. That's about the best thing I can think to say about him at the moment.
ARISTOTLE: That play certainly was ... interesting.
ARISTOPHANES: What, are you kidding? I thought it was $@#ing great.
ARISTOTLE: I suppose this is an example of the "minimalist" art that all the young people are always going on about, having only two speaking characters and a chorus. In fact, if not for the chorus, it would hardly resemble a Greek tragedy at all. I'm not convinced that such a brief work can hope to achieve the catharsis that a true dramatist strives for.
ARISTOPHANES: I agree, it was too short. I wish it'd gone on for, like, six or seven acts.
SOCRATES: But what about the catharsis?
ARISTOPHANES: I didn't miss that at all. I don't even know what the %$#@ that is, and neither do you.
ARISTOTLE: The title character, I believe, is modeled after Medea.
SOCRATES: Really? I thought she was meant to represent Clytemnestra.
ARISTOPHANES: No, Mr. Pink from Reservoir Dogs.
ARISTOTLE: There you go.
SOCRATES: Oh, yeah ... now I get it.
posted by Glen Wishard at 10:28 AM
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