Friday, December 10, 2004

It's Funny Because it's True makes it official: they own the Democratic Party:

For years, the party has been led by elite Washington insiders who are closer to corporate lobbyists than they are to the Democratic base. But we can't afford four more years of leadership by a consulting class of professional election losers ... Now it's our party: we bought it, we own it, and we're going to take it back.

Interesting that George Soros has already begun to refer to himself with the royal we.

What would I do if I owned the Democratic Party?


1. Experience Buyer's Remorse. What the hell was I thinking?
2. Rename it "Generic Hong Kong Holding Company" to throw creditors off the trail for a while. I just know there's some guy out there who never got paid for 15 million "Eat Bush" bumper stickers.
3. Go Public. Under my leadership, it will become the first political party in US history to sell shares. Laugh all you want - European investors will gobble them up.
4. Defraud the investors. I'll hire Hillary Clinton to cook the books, and Bill Clinton to write the annual report.
5. Introduce mandatory retirement. The retirement age will be however old Cynthia McKinney is.
6. Introduce employee health care plan. Employees of congressional level or higher will get partial reimbursements for valium, quaaludes, and "medicinal" marijuana. Employees holding state-wide offices will get a stipend they can use to buy whatever they can get on the street. Everyone will agree that this is the greatest health care plan that anybody ever thought of, and I will be very popular.
7. Restore the Hollywood division to profitability. Previous owners made the error of attempting to use demented Hollywood liberals for public relations purposes - a recipe for disaster. Leasing celebrities to Las Vegas casinos and Japanese nightclubs will generate decent revenue.
8. Sell Massachusetts. Liquifying some assets will give us operating capital.
9. Have power lunch with Ted Turner and Time Warner execs. Talk them into buying Massachusetts for $500 an acre and turning it into a Palestinian homeland, and a permanent site of the Good Will Games.
10. Run for President of the United States. I'll save money by doing this myself instead of hiring some blow-dried drone to do it. Buying votes would be wrong, so I'll sell them instead by introducing a $50 party registration fee.