Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Summer Soldiers and Sunshine Patriots

Michael Moore disappeared sometime yesterday afternoon, after weeks of filling the poor heads of his lumpen-proletariat followers with the most crazed ambitions since the last days of George Armstrong Custer. Today he has apparently resurfaced long enough to close his website, putting up instead a mosiac of George Bush made up of the portraits of US soldiers slain in Iraq.

The Iraqi rebels who killed those soldiers (along with scores of Iraqi soldiers, Iraqi civilians, Red Cross workers, aid workers, and UN personnel) have been described by Moore as heroic freedom-fighters, in his infamous "Minuteman" screed. The stinking hypocrisy of his Bush display is, of course, lost on Moore's disciples. Any concept that is more complicated than hating Bush and Halliburton is pretty much lost on Moore's disciples.

Still, after all the bluster and swagger, after all the orders he has bellowed at them and all the hysterical lectures he has subjected them to, it would have been nice if "Mike" had come out and said a few encouraging words to his fans. Just a little something to cheer them up, and let them know he appreciates them.

But no. The lumpen-proletariat has let Moore down again, so he has retreated into a hateful sulk, hiding behind an emblem of his contempt for Bush, for democracy, and for -- let's face it -- the United States of America. After all the time he spent shoving his funny little home movies in their stupid faces. Moore will be back to hector the gullible and the terminally malcontented again, but for now he needs some time to stew over the terrible way everybody has betrayed him.

If Mike wasn't such a self-centered slob, he would realize that other famous idiots feel just as bad as he does. The Conscience of the Clinton Administration, Larry Flynt, no doubt speaks for them all (from a strip club in Paris): "Perhaps it will be necessary that I think of moving elsewhere, but actually I don't even dare to think of it."

Plenty of others are thinking of it, though, prompting the alert Canadians to warn everyone that their country is not a crash pad: "You just can't come into Canada and say 'I'm going to stay here'. In other words, there has to be an application."

Filling out long application forms, full of nosy questions, is exactly the sort of thing Ashcroft might ask you to do, so fleeing to Canada is not much of an improvement.

UPDATE: Moore might be hiding for good reason, because some people know who's to blame for their current misfortune. Former Dem General Pat Caddell just blasted Moore on Hannity and Colmes - "hateful thug", I think his term was. It had the look of something that he'd been holding in for a while ...

UPDATE 11/5/04: The greatest left-wing intellectual in history is back! Moore has crawled out of his Hussein-hole long enough to post "17 Reasons Not to Slit Your Wrists." Thinking of 17 reasons not to die ought to be an easy subject, even for a young student in a Palestinian school. Yet, Moore manages to make a sorry mess of it:
2. Bush's victory was the NARROWEST win for a sitting president since Woodrow Wilson in 1916.
Liars use statistics, but they don't normally gamble their lives on statistics. Even a CBS news editor is smart enough to know that Bush did much better than Truman or Clinton did in their own re-elections. Basically Moore is saying that Kerry did better than any loser since Charles Evans Hughes. Go figger that one.
5. The Republicans will not have a filibuster-proof 60-seat majority in the Senate.
So if you kill yourself, think of all the filibusters you'll miss.
7. Once again we are reminded that the buckeye is a nut, and not just any old nut -- a poisonous nut.
If you kill yourself, who will wreak spiteful vengeance on the state of Ohio?
9. Gays, thanks to the ballot measures passed on Tuesday, cannot get married in 11 new states. Thank God. Just think of all those wedding gifts we won't have to buy now.
On the other hand, if you snuff it you won't have to listen to any more of Mike's sick humor.