Friday, March 17, 2006

Special Guest Blog by George Clooney

I want to get something clear right off the bat. I'm the real George Clooney. The guy who's been mouthing off at Huffington Post is Lester Koszlofsky, who worked as my butt-double in the film Batman Vs. McCarthy - which I courageously produced, starred in, directed, catered, best-boyed and gaffered. Lester is also the guy who slam-dunked Pooches, Ariana's disgusting worm-ridden Yorkie, through the windshield of a taxi cab after the Oscar ceremonies.

So even though I didn't do it, I can understand Ariana Huffington's rabid thirst for revenge. Hitler felt the same way after World War I. In fact, Ariana herself probably felt the same way after World War I.

But I don't care. You see, I'm a Liberal. I'm going to keep saying that word, and I'm going to say it loud. LIB-RULL. Sometimes when I say it, I'm going to dribble my lip with my finger, like this. LIBRRRRUL. Cool. LIBUBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRL!

Why am I saying "Liberal" so much? Because unlike some people, I'm not afraid to. Just try reading the last paragraph out loud. See? See what I mean? You can't do it, because you're scared. Admit it.

Why am I so unscared? What makes me, George Clooney the LIBERAL, so brave? It isn't because I'm rich, and it isn't because I'm surrounded by sycophants and professional bodyguards, and it isn't because I just took half a pint of Demerol in the ass. It's because I'm a Liberal, which comes from the Greek words LIB (brave) + ERAL (real good).

I'm an old fashioned Liberal. Not one of those post-McGovern Liberals, who think the Sixties are over. Not where I come from, they're not. Out here in Hollywood, the Home of the Brave, even the Fifties and the Seventies are still going full-blast. William F. Buckley used to brag that he stood athwart History, yelling "Stop!" But we're the guys who drove History into a ditch and rolled it end over end. Now the pieces are all mixed up and laying all over the place, and you know what? Maybe that's okay.

What does all of this have to do with Ariana Huffington's demented attempt to avenge the death of her diseased lap-dog? It's just another example of the jealousy and the McCarthyism that beautiful rich Liberals like me have to contend with every day. You think the limousines and the private jets and the palatial villas in Europe are just for show? You think they isolate us from the realities that we claim to know so much about? Damn right they do. And you know what? Maybe that's okay.