Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Prolegomena to a Future Blogger Ethic

Accusations of whoring (or "consulting", what's the difference) are flying faster than beer bottles at a Linda Ronstadt concert, and with an equally insufficient degree of accuracy. Although Glenn Reynolds says "I'd certainly oppose the creation of some sort of overarching Code of Blogging Ethics", that's only because he hasn't heard my suggestions.

[FULL DISCLOSURE: Howard Dean paid me $75 to write this. He thought he was buying some mail-order Canadian drugs.]

1. Never post nuclear launch codes on your blog.

2. Never use “impact” as a verb.

3. Remember to be biased and prejudiced against things, not biased and prejudiced towards things. Also, your job is to wreak havoc, not "reek havoc".

4. The people who disagree with you are fascists, not “facists”. A facist is a person who participates in Farcical Aquatic Ceremonies.

5. If you are a US resident who is getting paid to blog, do not accept payment in Food Stamps, as this is a felony under federal law. If you accept sex or drugs as payment for blogging, do not donate blood.

6. Never accept payment of any kind from persons who are under 18 years of age (or under 6 years of age if you live in Canada). Never accept payment from persons whom you know to be institutionalized for mental health reasons, from nursing home directors, or from CBS News editors. If you receive funding from the CIA, never give them a receipt.

7. If you web-cam yourself while blogging, please do not wear an SS uniform, a Star Trek uniform, a Munich-style anarchist ski mask, a Dan Rather-style sweater, or underwear that is inappropriate to your gender. Remember always that you represent the blog community.

8. Avoid excessive use of internet acronyms like MSM (Mainstream Media), SCUM (So-Called Unbiased Media), BOOBS (Blogs Obviously Owned By Soros), etc. These confuse the MSM squares who will soon be getting most of their editorial analysis from us.

9. Do not attack other blogs in a selfish attempt to promote your own blog. Attack other blogs in order to maintain the overall tactical readiness of the blogosphere.

10. If you have to hang out in bars with reporters, or if you’re sleeping with reporters, don’t badmouth the blogs. Don’t go to Big Media suck-fests and tell stories out of school, or apologize for “blogger triumphalism”. Don’t be an Auntie Wonkette.